Randy Hilliker's "I DON'T KNOW IF I AM DOING THIS RIGHT"

"It is a driving motive of every human being to find that place within ourselves where self-awareness and self-consciousness can be applied to our inner growth. This quest can take many forms and takes us through many circumstances.  Many of which can be violent and harmful.  Through this haze of violence, anxiety and depression I seek my own path through to self-awareness."

See more of Randy's work on instagram at @randy.hilliker

"Anxiety and depression are deep rooted and often defy words.  They are ingrained in our personalities and define our actions.  Modern medicine tells us that they can be managed through drugs; that our lives can be made whole through a daily regimen of medications.  But these remedies are merely superficial.  They only touch on the physical aspects of depression.  They do nothing to touch the heart and soul of these psychological issues.  They are bandages that only cover up and keep the deep-rooted injuries from getting worse.  It is through the telling of emotions, the methods of self-sensing and self-observations, that are key to self-renewal and inner growth.

This image series is the process in which I achieve inner peace.  It is the language in which my mind speaks its emotions.  They are my thoughts given physical form.  I started this process of self-sensing several years ago.  In the language of photography class, I was introduced to the thought that fine art photography should go beyond simple depiction.  That for photography to mean something it should have a concept and purpose.  I was challenged to reach deep and to express something meaningful.  I started examining what was important to me and what gets me motivated.  It was at this point I started to realize that photography could be used as a tool to achieve the harmony in my life that I have long searched.  This project has become a cathartic release of emotions.  It has become a way for me to express in imagery, those emotions I have long locked away.  In a way it has become a tool in which I use to bring down barriers I  built in order to keep my mind safe.  

This project is intended to be a path toward a conversation between the viewer and the artwork. A way through barriers and obstacles that we have placed in our lives.  A conversation starter, not only between me and those who seek to understand me, but also those who seek to understand people who suffer from mental afflictions.   

Images are digitally captured in fragments, images of trees, body parts, objects of importance.  Images from my past are digitally scanned.  Much like memories, these objects are then pieced together through the use of transfer mediums such as laser and medium gels, encaustic medium and color pigments are then added as a final stage.  This act of assemblage is the physical and tangible movements representing the mental effort of acceptance of past abuse.  The creation of the artwork has become a metaphor for therapy and acceptance.  In many ways the visual language of the artwork has replaced a more traditional method of talk therapy, where these images stand in the place of words that I often find difficult to speak." - Randy Hilliker